Nick Kocz's Ridiculous Words
  • SM Thayer
  • About
  • Writing
  • Contact
  • Blog

Hugs

12/8/2016

 
PictureStephen, this past summer, as a Special Olympics winner.
This morning, my wife Alison gave our middle child, Sebastian (15), a ride to school. Unlike most mornings, Sebastian was especially talkative. He had a lot on his mind-- dismay that he doesn't find science interesting any more. He's been debating whether to go to "The Governors' School" this summer-- it's an advanced educational program here in Virginia for gifted rising high school juniors & seniors. Sebastian's been invited into these kind of programs before. Sometimes, he's liked them a lot-- and sometimes they've induced anxiety in him.
 
Sebastian’s also worried about his older brother, Stephen (17), for all the things Stephen's been going through. I’ve written sparingly about Stephen in the past (most notable, here and here). Sparingly, because, frankly, it’s painful. Stephen’s on the autistic spectrum. But he also has an intellectual disability and mental health issues. So much of my day is spent worrying about him. And trying to calm him down. And praying for him. And trying to find glimmers of accomplishment in what he does because, let’s face it, all parents yearn to be proud of their children.
 
Although Sebastian and Stephen are in different classes, they share the same gym period-- Stephen's in the Advanced PE and Sebastian's in the normal PE class. But during gym period, Sebastian sees Stephen walk around the gym by himself. Most of the kids in the Advanced PE class are athletes-- football players, etc. We've had Stephen do Advanced PE because of the greater emphasis on weight training. Even though Stephen's not a weight lifter, they've usually let him do the elliptical machines during Advanced PE. But now, lately at least, he's just been walking laps around the gym by himself. Which is disheartening, at least from Sebastian’s perspective, who sees Stephen all by himself when he (Sebastian) is usually hanging out with his friends.
 
The other day, during dinner, Stephen really bared his soul for the first time in a long time. A few weeks ago, Stephen hit his only true friend. They had gotten into an argument about something. The friend was here at our house and, for some reason, Stephen was bothering Sebastian about something. Stephen's friend told Stephen to quite bothering Sebastian. Seeing his friend take Sebastian's side in the argument triggered something in Stephen. Jealousy. He started yelling and, after a few moments, Stephen hit his friend in the back.
 
Since then, the boy hasn't wanted to be Stephen's friend anymore. Stephen's tried to apologize, but the friend doesn't want to hear anything about it.
 
So, over dinner the other night, it dawned on Stephen that he's really lost his best friend. He doesn't have other friends his age. My impression is that most kids at school don’t talk to him. At school, he’s fairly isolated from many of his peers. Some of that, unfortunately, is Stephen's own fault-- he's had behavioral issues. Plus, he's said some mean things to other people who've been his friends in the past. Or, in some cases, his over-active attempts to foster friendships have not gone over well-- he's been accused of pestering kids. He can't understand any of this. Stephen's intellectually disabled, saddled with ADHD, Autism, memory retention issues, and an IQ in the 50s. Plus his mental health issues.
 
During dinner, Stephen was mumbling about this to himself. And telling us about it. He kept saying he shouldn't have hit his friend. At seventeen, the realization that actions have consequences has finally hit him. Saying all this, he wasn't mad or angry... but you could tell he was distraught. I offered to take Stephen out for a walk—lately, now that the temperatures have turned colder, we’ve been doing a lot of mall walking—and Stephen jumped readily at the chance. During our walk, Stephen seemed happy. He didn’t want to talk anymore about what had happened with him and his friend, but we talked. Silly stuff. Kid stuff. So much of what amuses Stephen amounts to silly jokes, stuff that most kids his age would probably roll their eyes at. But Stephen eats it up. More than anything though, I got the feeling that Stephen just liked me being there with him, listening.
 
But anyways, this morning, Sebastian gave Stephen a hug. Told him that he wished Stephen had a good day today. And then Stephen bounded onto the bus, and Sebastian bounded into Alison’s car and told her about all he’d been going through lately.
 

Suzanne
12/8/2016 12:19:47 pm

Nick, so glad I read this. Thanks for sharing.


Comments are closed.

    Categories

    All
    Adam Johnson
    Alan Cheuse
    Alexander Solzhenitsyn
    Alexi Zentner
    Amber Sparks
    Amy Rowland
    Andrew Wylie
    Andy Warhol
    Anna Snoekstra
    Ann Patchett
    Arsène Wenger
    Aubrey Hirsch
    B.A. Paris
    Barack Obama
    Ben Fountain
    Ben Marcus
    BEST DAY EVER
    Bob Dylan
    Book Reviews
    Bryan Furuness
    Cathy Day
    Children Of Paradise
    Chimamanda Adichie
    Christine Butterworth-McDermott
    Daniel Patrick Moynihan
    Dave Housley
    David Bowie
    David Foster Wallace
    David Lynn
    Donald Barthelme
    Donald Trump
    Don't You Cry
    Ed Falco
    E.M.Forster
    Emma Chapman
    Emmanuel Adebayor
    Flannery O'Connor
    Flash Fiction
    Frank Conroy
    Fred D'Aguiar
    F. Scott Fitzgerald
    Gabriel Blackwell
    George Harrison
    George Saunders
    Gillian Flynn
    Girija Tropp
    Harper Lee
    Heart
    Hillary Clinton
    I Will Never Leave You
    Jacob Appel
    James Lasdun
    James Tadd Adcox
    Jane Fonda
    Jeff Ell
    Jenniey Tallman
    John Cusack
    John Lennon
    John Updike
    Joyce Carol Oates
    J. Robert Lennon
    Julie Lawson Timmer
    Kaira Rouda
    Kate Atkinson
    Keith Banner
    Kenyon Review
    Kim Jong Il
    Kyle Minor
    Lance Olsen
    Len Kuntz
    Lenny Dykstra
    Leslie Pietrzyk
    Lily Hoang
    Lisa Jewell
    Lou Reed
    Luke Geddes
    Mary Kubica
    Melissa Febos
    Milan Kundera
    Molly Gaudry
    Nicholson Baker
    Notes For My Biographer
    Pablo Picasso
    Paula Hawkins
    Paul Maliszewski
    Paul Mccartney
    Philip Roth
    REAL: Regarding Arts & Letters
    Richard Peabody
    Rick Moody
    Robert Kloss
    Robert Smartwood
    Roxane Gay
    Shirley Hazzard
    S.J. Watson
    S.M. Thayer
    SM Thayer
    Stéphane Hessel
    Stuart Dybek
    Submission Fees
    Sven Birkerts
    Tadeusz Borowski
    The Beatles
    The Fall Guy
    The Girls In The Garden
    The Good Girl
    The Official Catalog Of The Library Of Potential Literature
    Thomas Mallon
    Tim O'Brien
    Tony Earley
    Umberto Eco
    Virginia Woolf
    Wells Tower
    Willem De Kooning
    Working Class Hero

    Archives

    August 2018
    January 2018
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    May 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    September 2015
    February 2015
    November 2014
    September 2014
    July 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    May 2013
    March 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    January 2011

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.